What If This Wasn’t Here To Stay?

And what if this isn’t here to stay.

But to guide me through.

That old part of me is afraid.

Afraid that it will pull me down with it’s arctic grip on my wrists.

Binding me.

I feel that grip tighten as my chest heaves.

My mind wonders what’s wrong with me.

The lifelong question of the sensitive.

Why doesn’t happiness come as easily.

It seems so fleeting.

This journey back home to myself doesn’t always feel good.

I’m learning to surrender a little bit more to the discomfort.

It’s the minds desire to control, that rejects this discomfort, that creates more suffering for me.

Often unbeknownst to me, until I realize what I’m doing.

The truth is, joy isn’t fleeting.

It’s just being suppressed along with the pain.

I can feel another part of me.

A wiser part.

A part that wants to stop running.

That wants to stop avoiding and just receive it all, heart open.

She will guide me through this.

I can focus on the warm comfort of her presence.

Surrendering enough to feel her strength.

She’s always right there too, even when I can’t feel her.

She will guide me through this.

But first she will request that I sit with this heaviness.

That I fully accept it by also accepting the part of me that runs from it.

That I bring my attention to it, creating space.

Becoming intimate with it.

Sensations.

Feelings.

Emotions.

That I follow it’s impulse to express.

Letting it move through me like the waves of a hurricane.

Chaotic.

Non-linear.

And when it does, the calm after the storm will settle into my bones.

And I’ll know, it wasn’t here to stay.

It was just leading me through, to a deeper level of peace.

Cracking my heart open to feel more.

And what if this wasn’t here to stay.